


first impressions & never ending hurts

by aaxbbxx



Series: The Socialites [5]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: M/M, all Sanha's pov, snippets over the entire series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 18:56:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20363446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaxbbxx/pseuds/aaxbbxx
Summary: The man was tall, but not as tall as Sanha. He was maybe average in height, but he commanded attention just by his features alone. He looked like a wolf waiting for its prey, and Sanha was mesmerized by the beauty of the man. The way his jawline framed his structures, and the sharp angle that made him stand out. The man was with another, and just when he was about to look away before he gets caught staring, he met eyes with said wolf.





	first impressions & never ending hurts

**Author's Note:**

> 190823 SOBA AWARDS AND ASTRO WON SO I HAD TO POST THIS ONE TODAY AS TO CELEBRATE UWU

The bright white walls with the bright white lights made a scene, add that with camera flashes, and it's like living in a light bulb. People flittered about with clothes in their hands, makeup in the other – something that was normal in a set like this. It was silent save for the clicks of the shutter, and the occasional murmurs of the photographer directing his model to turn this way and that way.

Sanha smiled as the camera clicked away, before sighing in relief when it was officially declared that they were finished. He bowed his respects and thanked his team, before he was lead over to the makeup table so he could get ready to go home. The other two models in the set, didn't bother to wave their goodbyes to him – no one ever did – and instead went and got changed themselves. Sanha masked his sadness away, as his makeup artist start to take off his makeup.

Photoshoots were always so _clinical_, and no one ever spoke to him save for directions on where to go. He might be the ones paying for their paychecks, but no one ever bothered to mask their distaste for Sanha.

When Sanha started off his career – with reluctance – it wasn't bad as it did now. But with his father's antics, slowly, in just a matter of weeks, he was dubbed a slut and a gold digger. No one in the model and fashion world ever wanted to be acquainted with him; but because of his name and background, they had no choice anyway. Sanha was sure, the reason why he almost always had single photoshoots and ads were because no other models would agree, and if brands wanted to sell, they would rather choose Sanha to go alone because his name and wealth held more weight than any other models combined. It was a great think for his pocket, not so for his dignity.

So, Sanha lived his life at work and life at home, lonely. But it was a good thing he had Jinwoo and Dongmin by his side now. Before he became friends with them, before they became his family, he had no one.

Sanha thanked his makeup artist, before he too left the set, and got on a taxi. As he stared out the window of the hustle and bustle of the city, he wondered if he could ever be free.

–

Sanha was in some fancy gig he was forced to attend, _again_. However, this time he didn’t have his hyungs to protect him. He gave another flirty smile to a man almost twice his age across the room, knowing his father was just around watching him like a hawk – making sure he was doing his role.

Sanha hated nights like these, where no one could be by his side, where no one could sense that he didn’t want to be there. But if he were to go home now, he knew there would be consequences and he still had not healed from the last one. So he did what he does best; he assumed his part and became the person he hated to be.

When the night was almost over, he slipped away from the old men he was with and ducked into a random door in one of many rooms in the house. He ended up being in the library, where a handful of people were staying to get some peace from the crowd, he assumed. He went straight to a corner and sat on one of the huge armchairs, and that’s when he saw him.

The man was tall, but not as tall as Sanha. He was maybe average in height, but he commanded attention just by his features alone. He looked like a wolf waiting for its prey, and Sanha was mesmerized by the beauty of the man. The way his jawline framed his structures, and the sharp angle that made him stand out. The man was with another, and just when he was about to look away before he gets caught staring, he met eyes with said wolf.

The man’s eyes were gorgeous even from the distance, but Sanha flinched to see such emptiness in it. When the other man’s companion noticed their staring contest, he leaned in to whisper and the emptiness in those eyes turned black with disgust and hatred, before the man turned and exited the room. Sanha slumped in his chair in resignation, knowing without a doubt just what happened.He wanted to laugh, wanted to cry. Of course, anyone who _knew_ Yoon San Ha, knew his reputation, knew what was said about him. Each and every person he encountered, with no fail, had the same emotion in their eyes. Without even talking to him, their first impressions were always the same. The wolf was no different.

In everyone’s eyes, he was nothing but a gold-digging whore.

–

Sanha pouted the whole way to dinner, and it may be childish to do so but he turned to the side and stuck out his tongue towards Jinwoo with the older only laughing in response.

"Why couldn't we just have dinner at my house? I was going to just relax and stay in tonight, hyung! I just got back from a photoshoot in Japan." Sanha was whining he knew, but he couldn't help it. He really was looking forward to just resting and being alone; it wasn't like it was hard to do anyway with such a big house and his father not talking to him and barely seen staying in said home.

"Like I told you on the phone earlier, we're going out because our new friends will be there and they haven't met you yet." Jinwoo said, shrugging his shoulders as he maneuvered the car on the busy road. Sanha eyed him carefully in thought.

"These...friends. Who are they?"

"We met them at a function a few weeks ago maybe? You were there but then you disappeared on us and went home first."

"But–"

"Then Dongmin saw Rocky getting roped by some old lawyer who I still think needs to get his license removed, we made a client and friend. He also had two friends, Bin and MJ." From the way Jinwoo mentioned the last name, Sanha figured something must have happened. In a good way. But he'll find out soon enough. "Anyway, since you're back, why not use this opportunity to meet them since you disappeared the night that we did meet with them. I'd like to introduce my naughty little dongsaeng."

"Hyung! I'm not little, you are!" Sanha giggle as he just avoided the oncoming slap to his arm.

–

Arriving at their destination, Sanha grumbled when he saw it wasn't just dinner.

He then almost stopped in his tracks when he saw the same man from a month ago. The wolf.

He chanted in his head that they wouldn't be meeting each other tonight, but as Jinwoo lead them both to the table where Dongmin was with the wolf and other two, he knew his fate has been sealed.

"Sorry, we're late. I had a client, and I had to pick up Sanha." Jinwoo apologized to the group, sitting beside a man, while Sanha was left to sit across them, beside the wolf who had stiffened in his seat. This was not about to go well, but Sanha decided he'd ignore him for now as Dongmin introduced him.

Sanha flushed as the taller one exclaimed if he really was _Yoon Sanha_. It wasn't because he was embarrassed, but because he was ashamed. He didn't particularly like himself. He watched as Jinwoo exclaimed that they weren't related by blood but by choice. The taller quickly apologized for his ourburst and Sanha smiled.

"Ah, no, it's okay." He spoke and watched as the taller and shorter man beside Jinwoo grinned at him.

"Sanha, this is MJ," Dongmin introduced them, with MJ wiggling his fingers at the younger one. "Bin, and Rocky, I told you about."

Dongmin _didn't_ tell them about him but he decided to pretend anyway. "Hello, hyungs." Sanha bowed his head, smiling at them.He then turned to Jinwoo and pouted. "Jinwoo-hyung, you didn't tell me we were going to be attending an event."

"I told you we were going to dinner."

"Yes, but–"

"Sanha." Dongmin warned, though fondly. "Be nice."

"Sorry." Sanha pouted, he hated these things!

"Cute." Sanha heard MJ mumble and he blushed, realizing how he just acted. He couldn't help it okay?

"He is isn't he? I swear, I thought he does it on purpose, but he's naturally like that." Jinwoo said, shaking his head fondly.

Before anyone could say anything else in response, beside him, Rocky stood up, "Excuse me." and left them. Sanha slumped into his chair more as the rest looked on in confusion, thought they might not know, he knew it was because of him.

As the night dragged on, Bin and Dongmin had left sometime to go after Rocky to talk more about their case or whatever law stuff, Sanha could care less. He watched as his other hyung was fully engaged into MJ and he pouted as he realized he'd be third-wheeling at this point, so he excused himself from the table as well.

Sanha walked around, smiling and greeting other businessmen and went to the washroom. But before he could step inside, his wrist was grabbed harshly and he was slammed against the wall. When he looked up, he saw it was one of his father's business friends and he was very drunk.

"Sanha! I didn't know you'd be here, otherwise I would have asked you to join me at my table." The man slurred, getting into his personal space.

"M-mr. Soo, n-nice to see you here." Sanha wiggled his wrist and ducked just in time for Mr. Soo to lean down and would have kissed him. He bowed shakily and hastily left the corridor, heading straight back to Jinwoo and MJ.

"Hyung!" Sanha called out, urgency and upset clear in his voice. Jinwoo and MJ quickly faced him and his hyung stood up as soon as he saw him.

“Aga, what’s happened?” Jinwoo asked worriedly.

“Sanha?” MJ prompted, standing up as well.

“Can we leave?” Sanha quietly said, feeling ill and small. Sanha turned his attention to MJ, and bowed politely. “I’m sorry MJ-Hyung, I’m not good company right now, and for taking Jinwoo-Hyung–“

MJ waved his hands dismissively, reaching a hand out to squeeze Sanha’s arm in comfort. “It’s okay. Are you alright?”

Sanha smiled tightly and looked over his shoulder scared to see if Mr. Soo was still there, then turned back around and shook his head.

MJ reached down to his pocket, taking his phone card out of his wallet and handing it to Sanha. “Here, call me if you ever need anything, okay? I know we just met but...I’ve always wanted a little brother.” He laughed a little and Sanha accepted the card with a small giggle despite feeling shaken. MJ turned his attention to Jinwoo. “Go, take him home. I’ll text you.”

Jinwoo quickly led him out, but turned to him and gestured to give him a second. Sanha watched as Jinwoo walked determinedly back to where MJ was and kissed the hell out of him. When Jinwoo came back, he looked smug, but then concern came back as soon as he led Sanha out of the venue.

"Aga, what the hell happened? Did someone hurt you?" Jinwoo asked him as soon as they got in the car.

Sanha shook his head, he hadn't told Jinwoo and Dongmin of his secrets yet, and he's determined to keep it a secret.

"Can you just take me home, hyung? I'll tell you another time." Sanha leaned on the window, staring out into the night.

If he would have looked at Jinwoo, he would have seen a very worried and thoughtful look, before Jinwoo gave a sigh and pulled out of the parking lot.

–

It was a few months in and Sanha's circle of friends grew to five, though Rocky could be excluded because he knew the business mogul never saw him as a friend or even an acquaintance even to this day. Every time they all get together, Rocky always leaves first, and sometimes he doens't even mask his distaste anymore because once he knew Sanha would be there he'd quickly change his mind and pull out of their group plans; sometimes even going as far as making an on the spot excuse as soon as he arrived and saw Sanha was present.

It was hard because as much as Sanha saw how much Rocky hated him; as much as he endured the way Rocky has treated him; Sanha couldn't help but like him anyway. He wondered if it was thing of liking something forbidden, like in movies and stories; the only difference was that those characters had a happy ending and he would not.

“Hyung~” Sanha whined.

Jinwoo looked up at a pouting Sanha.

“Sorry, what was that?”

Sanha huffed, puffing his cheeks out, annoyed. “You’re not even listening to me. You’re the one who invited me out for bubble tea and cake. I’m even going off my strict diet for you!” It was a lie but no one needed to know.

Jinwoo chuckled and reached over to ruffle his hair. “Sorry, bub, lost in thought. I’m listening now.”

Sanha batted his hand away, grumbling about taking an hour to get ready (also a lie), before peering at him curiously. “M-Hyung?”

“How’d you know?” Jinwoo looked surprised.

Sanha took a long drag of milk tea before answering. “You’re either thinking about your case or something else. In this case, I noticed how distracted, well not distracted perse but, it’s usually about M-Hyung and this time is no different.”

“You’re right, it is MJ.”

“Are you still not dating? Because I’m sure friends don’t look at each other like they were about to ravage you on the spot–“ Sanha spoke, eating another spoonful.

“Sanha! You’re too young to know these things!” Jinwoo hissed out and Sanha rolled his eyes.

“Hyung, I’m like 23, I know about sex and I’m not a child!”

“Whatever.” Jinwoo mumbled back, taking a piece of cake into his mouth.

“So? What’s up?” Sanha asked

Jinwoo sighed and played with the icing of his cake with his fork. “Nothing. Just...lost.”

Sanha put down his own fork. “Look, Hyung, I don’t know what you guys are, and you both are adults and know what you’re doing. And even though M-Hyung has just recently came into our lives, he became important to me, and you are important to me. I just don’t want anyone to get hurt. But if he hurts you, I’ll make him pay. Are we clear? And that goes for you too, if you hurt him, regardless if I knew you longer, I will kick your ass.”

Sanha loved MJ and he loved Jinwoo, they were like his parents almost and he loved how MJ always liked to play with him (he snorted because he basically just said he wasn't a child, but he really was). Jinwoo was also his pseudo dad, always worrying about him and treating him out to cheer him up.

Jinwoo blinked owlishly at Sanha and nodded, and Sanha grinned at him.

“Let’s eat, then we can go shopping.”

“Again?!”

Sanha laughed at the exclamation.

–

Sanha waved bye to Jinwoo as he left, leaving him in the mall all alone. The older had to leave for an emergency with his client.

Sanha strolled around, and was on his way to a shop that sold stuffed animals. He was kind of glad Jinwoo was gone, so he could buy it without being questioned. He still hasn't shared that part of his life yet, and he'd rather keep it to himself for now.

He was walking and looking around which led him to bump into someone, and he quickly bowed down and apologized. When he stood back up, he froze just as the man froze seeing him. It was Rocky. He just bumped into Rocky.

"A-ah, hyung, I'm sorry." Sanha apologized again, as Rocky composed himself and stared at him with a look so familiar.

Rocky didn't bother to say anything, just looked at him for a second then left. Sanha stared after him in defeat, scolding himself for making the other hate him even more. He didn't bother to go to the store, instead turning on his heel and heading out to go home. He didn't feel like shopping anymore.

–

Sanha dared not to look at the person beside him, instead stared at MJ's forlorn expression.

"Hyung, it's been three months, when are you going to realize working overtime and ignoring the problem, won't make it go away." Rocky said, tapping his fingers on the table, Sanha noted the way he made sure not to cross his space.

"M-hyung, I didn't ask because Jinwoo-hyung told me not to, but this is ridiculous! Both of you are suffering and Jinwoo-hyung won't even eat, just bury himself in his office, wait, I wasn't supposed to say that." Sanha squealed, covering his mouth, and he saw Rocky roll his eyes from his peripheral vision. How they ended up being the ones to talk to MJ – together no less – he didn't actually remember. "What I mean to say, is that both of you are important to me, and I just want you both to be happy. But now you're not even talking to each other and every time we get together, one always cancels the moment one of you knew the other was coming. I'm just confused and concerned." Sanha pouted worriedly.

MJ smiled tightly, "Everything is fine."

A hand slammed on the table, shocking everyone and making Sanha flinch, but Rocky didn't seem to care. "Can you please stop pretending?!"

"Calm down!" MJ hissed, before sighing. "Fine."

Sanha peered at him, his Gucci bucket hat over his eyes. "So? What happened?"

"He told me he loved me."

Sanha clapped his hands, "Yay," but when no one followed, he dropped them down. "Uh, and that's a bad thing?"

"Hyung, doesn't like commitments." Rocky answered for him. "Really, hyung, it's not hard to notice. You always shy away at dates and no matter how many times guys ask you out, you always have an excuse."

"But weren't you together though?" Sanha looked as confused as he felt. He was pretty sure, with the way Jinwoo and Mj were acting, they were _together-together_.

"No, we were just..."

"Sleeping together, just say it, he's not a child." Rocky gestured to Sanha, who ironically, had his hands covering his ears. MJ laughed.

"Hyung!"

"Alright." MJ calmed down. "It's just like Rocky said, commitments are a no-no, and I don't even, play around–"

"But you did with Jinwoo-hyung." Sanha quipped.

"Yes, yes, I did. I don't even know why, but there was something different about him, and it made me scared but I couldn't turn away. But I made it clear to him, I didn't want anything serious. But the night of the fair fundraiser..."

"He told you he loved you, what did you do?" It was Rocky this time, and MJ glanced down, feeling shame wash over him.

"I left him."

"That's why he looked dead the following week." Sanha mumbled, finally understanding.

They were silent, the sounds of patrons eating lunch, before Rocky said something.

"You are not your parents. Their relationship is and will be different from yours. Just because we had shitty parents, doesn't mean we'll turn up like them."

Sanha looked at Rocky in awe, and MJ with empathy, knowing how that feels.

"You know, and you're afraid, that's how I know you'll never be like them." Rocky finishes, taking a drink of water.

"Do you love him?" Sanha looked at MJ, eyes searching. Sanha watched as MJ's face cleared and a love so bright bloomed on his face, then he knew. "He's at his condo right now, he took the week off. I'll text you his passcode."

MJ sat there for a moment, in shock, before Rocky waved him off.

"What are you waiting for? Go and be gross and finally get together and let us rest."

MJ thanked Sanha a billion times, knocking Rocky's head over, before hightailing it out of the restaurant. Sanha giggled after him and sipped on his iced tea. He heard a heave of breath, realizing he wasn't alone, and looked to see Rocky getting up from his seat. Rocky didn't even bother a goodbye before leaving him all alone.

All the happiness he felt went out the window, as he watch through the glass as the business mogul got into his car and left. Sanha sighed as he poked his food, suddenly not feeling so hungry anymore. He knew it was too good to wish for a normal day, a day that one day Rocky would at least be able to sit and eat with him. He didn't even care if he just sat in silence and pretended Sanha wasn't there. But of course, that was even too much to ask, Rocky would just rather leave than spend another second alone with Sanha. Sanha waved for the check, feeling lonely as ever.

–

Sanha wiggled in his seat excitedly, waiting for his hyungs. He was so excited to share his news with them that he ended up arriving first to their lunch out. He had just gotten off the phone with his manager, and was revealed that his runway show was a go! It wasn't just any other runway, it was his very first show that he partook in the creation and design process with his fashion line. Something he hadn't done before, and he might hate what he does, but this was all his work and he was proud of something that he did alone.

When they all arrived, with Rocky walking in with reluctance in every step, Sanha didn't even pay any attention to him as he launched on about his runway show. Beside him, MJ was very enthusiastic as him as Jinwoo laughed fondly at both their excitement. However, not long, and soon enough Rocky had stood up and left without a word – this time he didn't even bother to make usual excuses and just rudely exited. Sanha slumped in his chair, shutting up and forgetting about why he was happy in the first place.

“What just happened?” Bin asked, looking at everyone while Sanha avoided his eyes.

“Rocky’s being a dipshit, that’s what. I swear, that kid does not have manners!” MJ swore, munching on some fries aggressively. “Don’t worry, Sanha, I’ll kick his ass.” Sanha only shrugged and shook his head.

“I don’t understand why Rocky still hasn’t warmed up to you. You’re like a ray of sunshine.” Bin addressed him without really thinking, and he muttered a hasty ‘sorry’ as Sanha hunched in more into himself. MJ coaxed him into smiling by sharing his fries – everyone knew how much Sanha loves his potatoes – but he didn't even have the stomach for it, nevertheless, he accepted it if only not to worry anyone.

“Anyway, let’s forget about that monkey, and talk about your runway show!” MJ exclaimed excitedly and Sanha giggled. MJ always knew how to make him laugh in situations like these.

“Oh yeah, when is it?” Bin asked as he scanned the menu.

“Next week.” Sanha mumbled, smiling as Jinwoo handed him his plate of fries as well. Hedid love his hyungs so much. “It’s for the new collection. If you guys can come, I’ll be very happy.”

Dongmin grinned at him and nodded.

“You know we never miss it, Aga.” Jinwoo piped up, ruffling his hair.

“I know that hyung!” Sanha rolled his eyes playfully. “I meant, M-hyung and Bin-hyung, since you haven’t seen any of my runway shows yet, and this one is actually my favorite collection, since I took part in the creation process too.”

MJ gasped and shook Sanha wildly. “Why didn’t you say so?! Of course I’ll come! Silly boy!”

Bin snickered into his iced tea before speaking. “I’ll clear my schedule just for you maknae!”

The rest of their meal went about happier, with everyone ignoring the major elephant in the room while Sanha tried to.

How much more of this can he take before he crumbled?

–

"Dongmin-hyung, tell me or I'll throw my ice cream at you."

It felt like déjavu as Sanha sat across from Dongmin and beside Jinwoo. It only felt like yesterday when he was talking to Jinwoo about feelings and MJ about going to Jinwoo. He felt a headache coming on.

Dongmin raised an eyebrow at Sanha, who had raised his ice cream cup in the air.

"I dare you." Dongmin leaned forward, and Sanha yelped before pouting and putting his ice cream down.

"You're scary." Sanha mumbled, before taking a bite of ice cream. Honestly, Dongmin was scary, second only to Bin. As much as he loved both his hyungs, and as much as they treated him like a little brother, those two were pretty scary if he gets too much for them. He shuddered at the thought of punishment involving wrestling, tickles and a gym membership.

Dongmin laughed, but quieted when Jinwoo placed his ice cream down on the table.

"Sanha is right. You need to tell us what's going on." Sanha nodded in agreement.

Dongmin sighed, leaning on his hand on the table. Jinwoo and Sanha leaned forward to listen.

"It's Bin."

It was a beat or two, before Sanha huffed and went back to eating. "Seriously? You should just ask him out." It really was like MJ and Jinwoo all over again.

Dongmin glared at the maknae. "And you should just go and confess to Rocky."

Sanha reddened. "Hey! I don't like him, he's mean!" Lies, all big fat lies.

"Alright, children," Jinwoo interrupted before Dongmin could retort. "Dongmin, explain."

"I like him. or maybe even love him."

Jinwoo rolled his eyes. "We got that already, what's the problem."

Dongmin pouted, but continued. "But I feel like he's drifting away from me. I thought he liked me back, but obviously not." Sanha felt like bumping their heads together, obviously they both _like _each other, with the mooning and heart eyes.

Jinwoo smiled reassuringly at him. "I'm sure he does." Sanha swore Jinwoo was too nice, but then again, that was his nature.

"How do you know that?"

Sanha snorted. "Anyone would be blind not to see how smitten he is of you."

Dongmin frowned. "What? No."

Sanha sighed, reaching to steal Jinwoo's ice cream, the older just shaking his head fondly and letting him take a bite. "If you really want to be sure, I'll go ask him."

"What? You're scared of him though." Dongmin huffed a laugh, earning a glare from Sanha.

"If it's important to you, I'll overcome my fear." He watched the older smile as he puffed his chest out, before taking another spoonful of gelato.

A few days later found Sanha back with Dongmin.

"So, Bin-hyung likes you." He spoke and gave a yelp of surpise as Dongmin leaned forward with wide eyes, forcing Sanha to lean back. "Hyung!"

"Are you sure?" Dongmin asked, eyes hopeful and stunned.

Sanha pushed him away from him, "Yes! If his stuttering and blushing were anything to go by."

"He might have just been taken aback."

Sanha rolled his eyes, lounging on his couch. "Honestly, what am I going to do with both of you? You all are helpless."

Dongmin stood silent for a second, before asking one more time. "Are you really sure?"

Sanha huffed and eyed him. "Yes! Now leave me and my drama alone and go get your man."

Dongmin grinned and turned on his tail, shouting a quick 'bye' over his shoulder.

"Tell Bin-hyung thank you for the chocolate!" Sanha shouted after him before laughing to himself, curling up with his drama playing on his tv.

Sanha was glad his friends finally had love lives, it was sad to see them so lonely, and now that they have partners to share their lives with, he also couldn't help but feel glum that he wouldn't be able to have that. He would always be alone and that was just his story.

Sanha sighed as he eyed his drama, thanking his lucky stars that his father seemed to move out of the house. He probably got sick of sharing a house with his only son. Sanha wasn't sure where he lived now, but he could care less either. He just knew his father was just putting a show on living happily with his son, by throwing parties at the main house. But otherwise, Sanha was well and truly alone. Sad, but grateful for that fact.

It wasn't like he wasn't used to it.

–

"Why the heck am I nervous?"

Sanha giggled from the corner of the room, before Bin gave him a glare but that didn't stop the youngest. He felt joy at seeing his hyung this way, because it was very rare to see the big Moonbin be feeling so restless and small at the mere thought of Dongmin. Normally, Bin would be smiling dopily and stuff. Now that MJ and Jinwoo were married, it was Bin and Dongmin's turn and Sanha couldn't be happier for his friends.

"Hyung, it's normal to be nervous." Rocky piped up from the other corner, his head down towards his phone. Sanha had forgotten that Rocky was with them. When he got off the phone with Bin, he didn't expect to see Rocky with him waiting at the jeweller's. The man looked good, as he always did and Sanha felt a stab to his heart. "It's not everyday you ask Dongmin-hyung to marry him."

"But, you're just buying the ring, so why so nervous?" Sanha chirped, giggling again as Bin gave him another glare and a threatening step forward.

Bin huffed. "Why I brought you, I still wonder."

"Because you wuv me?" Sanha batted his eyelashed, laughing, only quieting down when Rocky gave a scoff from his corner of the room. Sanha deflated before putting on a fake smile. "Hyung, honestly, Dongmin-hyung will love it."

Bin walked towards the him and sat beside him, waiting for the jeweller to come back with his custom-made ring of aquamarine and diamonds on a plain titanium band. Something Sanha knew was designed with Dongmin in mind. "Really? You think so?"

Sanha smiled at the older gently, smile more real this time, as he took in Bin's worried expression. "He loves you, and I know he'll love it."

Before Bin could reply, the jeweller arrived and gave him a box, with the ring inside. He opened it to check, and Sanha gave a gasp of awe, and soon Rocky was standing over them, letting out a hum. Sanha felt the heat radiating from the latter and he didn't know how to feel with him so close.

"It's so pretty!" Sanha gaped and Bin laughed, closing the lid, shaking the hand of the jeweller before dragging them both out of the store. Sanha really did find the ring pretty, and he could only ever dream of receiving one.

"Don't worry Sanha," Bin spoke as they walked down the street, while he and Rocky flanked him on both sides. "You'll get one too, when you also get married."

Sanha blushed about to open his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by Rocky making some sort of rude noise making him back down and hunch into himself. It was too much and Sanha smiled at him brightly, fake. "Hyung, I just remembered, I've got to meet M-hyung and Jinwoo-hyung. Okay? Bye!"

Sanha didn't wait for their replies, as he turned and ran to the other direction. When he reached the end of the block, he turned and was soon out of their sight. That was when he let the tears fall.

It was a nice thought, getting married to someone. Someone who cherished you, and loved you, and accepted you for who you were. But Sanha didn't have that luxury to have that kind of special moment. It will only ever stay in his head, and it would only ever stay as a 'what if'. Because he knew, with who he was, he'd never be able to have someone like how his hyungs did.

Sanha hailed a cab and went home, all the while tears was continually streaming down his face in silence, as he wished that if someone was looking out for him out there, to at least make him happy, even just for a day. If he could pretend to be someone else for just a moment...

Sanha shook away those thoughts, and steeled himself. It was useless to think of those kinds of things, because he had no power to change his life. It will never, ever, happen.

–

When Sanha's father died, he didn't feel anything. He didn't feel sadness, nor did he fell happy. He just felt nothing.

In another way, he was finally free. He could finally quit modelling, he could finally get away from those old clientele friends of his father's, he could finally live his life like he wanted. What he didn't expect was how hard it was to get out of the life he never liked.

As soon as he was able, he called his manager and told him of his plans, firing him the same day. He didn't really need one anymore considering, he could really handle himself alone; the only reason he had a manager was for his father to keep an eye on him and making sure he wasn't stepping out of line.

When he told his friends, he was met with confusion but also support. Though Rocky probably thought he was being a diva, he could care less. He was done.

But his past life wasn't done with him yet, and as months passed, opening his own bookstore only for it to burn down not even a month later, that was when Sanha just broke. That one night, where even Rocky's kind and pitying gesture, broke something inside of Sanha that he thought that couldn't get anymore broken.

He hid in his home for three months, not even replying to calls or texts from his friends. Jinwoo and Dongmin were determined enough, and forced their way in with Sanha's spare keys. They also brought their other halves, and sometimes it was good. Some days they visit and Sanha actually had energy to smile and talk, but on bad days, he'd just stare at them blankly and would not utter a single word. However, slowly, the broken pieces of himself slowly, _ever slowly_, knit it selves back together.

But when Rocky, of all people showed up, that's when Sanha knew, he might just be alright. Maybe, just maybe, his story would not end as miserable as he thought it would be.

**Author's Note:**

> so these are snippets of Sanha from the entire series, so if you haven't read the past oneshots, I don't think it matters because I think you'll still understand, but it is recommended just so you kinda know the backstory :)) 
> 
> as always, thank you for reading and being patient with me!


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